Released: July 1985
Director: Richard Fleischer
Rated PG-13
Run Time: 89 Minutes
Distributor: Warner Bros.
Genre: Fantasy
Cast:
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Kalidor
Brigitte Nielson: Red Sonja
Sandahl Bergman: Queen Gedren
Ernie Reyes, Jr.: Prince Tarn
Paul Smith: Falcon
Ronald Lacey: Ikol
This may come as a huge shock to many of you, but I really like bad movies. When you look at my movie collection, you might see that I have more bad movies than good ones, and you would probably be correct. There is a word to use describe the bad movies that I love so much: Guilty pleasures. But that begs the question: If I love these kinds of movies so much, should I really feel guilty about it? Well, all I know is that I don’t feel guilty at all. Especially when it comes to 80’s fantasy movies like Krull, Dragonslayer, or the Conan movies. I LOVE that stuff. I grew up on it. The whole sword-and-sorcery aspect of the fantasy genre can be truly epic when it’s done right. When it’s not, you end up with something like Red Sonja. It’s widely regarded as one of the worst movies to come out of the 80’s, and for good reason. Yet, for all it’s problems, I grew up loving it. This movie is what I define as a “guilty pleasure.”
Red Sonja is set in the fictional age of Hyboria, same universe as Conan. The film begins when a cult of priestesses are attempting to destroy the Talisman, an ancient object of immense power, before it destroys the world. But, they’re interrupted when the evil queen Gedren shows up. Most of the priestesses are slaughtered and the Talisman is stolen. One priestess manages to get away, but is mortally wounded when a man named Kalidor finds her. She tells him to find her sister, Sonja. Sonja is found training with a master swordsman when she learns that her’s dying wish is that Sonja find and destroy the Talisman before it wreaks havoc across the land. Along the way, she discovers that a young prince, Tarn and his guardian Falcon, are the only survivors of Gedren’s assault on their kingdom. Believe it or not, Sonja’s story isn’t awful, but it does feel like there’s too much going on. You’ve got Sonja, who is out for revenge against Gedren, who murdered her family. You’ve got Kalidor, a lord whose duty was to see the Talisman destroyed. You’ve got Gedren, who we learn literally next to nothing about except that she’s evil and power-hungry. Gee, haven’t heard that one before. There’s a lot going on, but there’s not enough information to really connect the audience with this world. And at 90 minutes, there isn’t a whole lot of room for the characters to really develop.
The story itself really isn’t the biggest issue this movie’s got. First of all, let’s talk about the casting. I’ve yet to see a movie that is so miscast as this one. The only one that manages to somewhat fit into this world is Arnold Schwarzenegger as Kalidor. I think he knew he was going to be in a bad movie, so he had fun with it, and you can tell. Sandahl Bergman, who had her breakout performance in Conan: The Barbarian as Valeria, doesn’t strike me as menacing as Gedren should be. Gedren is a woman that should be incredibly intimidating, not just from a personality standpoint, but from a physicality level as well. I just don’t believe Bergman as a sociopathic ruler. I don’t necessarily think it’s HER fault, entirely. Now, Ernie Reyes, Jr. as Prince Tarn: Again, not his fault with what he was given. His character was written as this spoiled, arrogant little brat that somehow manages to get the most character development in the movie. That said, even as a youngster, Ernie could handle the physicality, as he’s a martial artist. The real standout, in the wrong way, is of course, Brigitte Nielson as Sonja. I get why she was hired. She was tall and absolutely stunning. But good god, she could not act. Her performance was all over the place, and most of it was wooden. Then it would go over-the-top. I think she handled the physicality better than Bergman could, but Bergman was clearly the better performer. Then you have character actors like Ronald Lacey and Pat Roach show up basically to collect a paycheck.
As far as the action goes, it’s pretty bog-standard when it comes to the sword-play. It’s nothing that no one saw before, and some of the choreography is outright ridiculous. Granted, Schwarzenegger handles it with ease, and to a certain extent, so does Nielson. But you could absolutely tell that Sandahl Bergman was NOT comfortable wielding a sword of that size. She didn’t really have the physical build for a weapon like that. She would’ve been better off with a smaller sword like in Conan: The Barbarian. For all the gripes that I have with Ernie Reyes’ performance, he could move, even at such an early age. He would really come into his own in the 90s as a stuntman and martial arts actor. It’s just a shame that he never really got the break that I think should have. Red Sonja was definitely not the best start for his career. The visual effects were mostly weak, except for the finale, which involved an exploding castle, which was pretty damn cool, as was the monster in the cave. But some of the miniature work was weak. We also never got to see the full extent of the Talisman’s power, just from a distance, and meh. The set designs were pretty good, and the costumes were pretty interesting. But the late Ennio Morricone’s rousing score was better than what this movie deserved. The score was epic.
Red Sonja was based off of the Marvel character of the same name from 1973, which was partially inspired by Robert E. Howard’s Conan stories. I’ve never read the comics, but I’m pretty sure that this movie really didn’t do them justice. It’s hard to say what went wrong here. The dialogue is awful, and the direction by Richard Fleischer was painfully inconsistent, which is weird, because I actually enjoyed Conan: The Destroyer, which came out the previous year. This movie is a mess, but it’s a glorious mess that I honestly enjoy. It’s not boring and it doesn’t really overstay its welcome at 90 minutes. Let’s be honest here, I’ve seen much worse than this. Arnold Schwarzenegger had gone on record saying that this movie was the worst that he’s ever made…and I can’t disagree. It IS a bad movie, and certainly one of the worst fantasy films of the 80s. BUT: I can’t bring myself to hate it. I grew up as a kid watching it and being completely entertained by it. I feel that this movie falls under the “so bad, it’s good” category. I would love to see Shout Factory or Vinegar Syndrome pick up the rights to this movie and give us some new interviews about the film and the how’s and why’s of what went wrong. Obviously, Richard Fleischer wouldn’t be a part of it because he passed away in 2006. So, yeah, I’m still having fun with this gloriously bad movie from my childhood.