Month: November 2014

Note: Normally, I would avoid spoiling movies in my critiques, but in the case of Dario Argento’s Dracula, I’m going to spoil the hell out of it.  Enjoy.  Pink=sarcasm.  Just so you know.

Released: 2012, 2013(USA)

Directed By: Dario Argento

Movie Trailer

Rated: Unrated

Cast:
Thomas Kretschmann: Dracula
Marta Gastini: Mina Harker
Asia Argento: Lucy Kisslinger
Unax Ugalde: Jonathan Harker
Rutger Hauer: Van Helsing

As film fanatics, we get to witness some of the greatest spectacles in movies: Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Ben-Hur, and 2001: A Space Odyssey.  But some of the most spectacular movies happen to be total train-wrecks.  You  want to, but you just can’t look away.  Movies like Ghost Rider, Remo Williams, or anything by Ed Wood qualify as complete disasters.  There’s much to be said for Dario Argento’s career as a filmmaker.  He’s directed top-notch thrillers like Susperia, Tenebre, and Deep Red.  However, some of his more recent outings have been less than……solid, as it were.  Mother Of Tears was an absolute disgrace.  Argento’s worst effort by far, however, is his telling of Dracula.  I’m a huge fan of the character.  He’s been played by some of the greatest actors in film history: Bela Lugosi, Frank Langella, Christopher Lee and Gary Oldman.  All of them did an amazing job.  So how did this one get derailed?

Dario Argento’s Dracula begins as a young woman is having a night out with a local friend, and when she starts home, she is attacked by what seems to be an….owl.  A horribly pixelated owl.  Some time later, an accountant by the name of Jonathan Harker(Unax Ugalde) is hired by Dracula(Thomas Kretschmann).  Dracula takes notice of Harker’s wife, Mina(Marta Gastini), seeing as how she resembles Dracula’s old flame.  Harker disappears, people are attacked and mutilated and their only hope is Dr. Abraham Van Helsing(Rutger Haur).  “Help us Van Helsing, you’re our only hope!”  Oh, man.  I’ve seen some pretty bad movies before, but this almost takes the cake.  Where do I begin?  Let’s start with the Italian cast.  I’m not going to lambaste Italy’s actors, because I truly believe that Italy has some fantastic actors and filmmakers.  But in this movie, they suck(get it?).  Harker is supposed to be an Englishman, so why does he have an accent that isn’t British?  I know Keanu Reeves sucked as Harker, but at least he attempted the accent.  We even have a few really talented actors in this film, Thomas Kretschmann, Rutger Hauer, and Dario’s daughter, Asia.  The acting is truly schizoid.  It’s either completely over-the-top, or there’s no effort put into it at all.  Kretschmann underplayed the character at times and completely went psycho at others.  At least it looks like he tried.  Rutger Hauer on the other hand, doesn’t seem like he wants to be there.  His delivery is completely flat.  It’s a shame, because Hauer gave us incredible performances in Ladyhawke, Blade Runner, and Hobo With a Shotgun.  He’s an extraordinarily talented actor but he does worse than phone it in here.  I think the character of Dracula would’ve been a little bit better if they didn’t dub over Kretschmann’s voice, which is very obvious.  I honestly think that Hauer’s voice may have been dubbed over as well.  I’m not sure about that, though.

Story-wise, it barely follows Bram Stoker’s story-line.  It doesn’t even take place IN Transylvania.  That opening sequence definitely wasn’t part of the original story.  Neither was Jonathan Harker’s death.  Yes, Harker dies in this movie.  He gets turned into a vampire and he gets killed by Van Helsing.  If Argento was trying to be shocking, he failed miserably.  It was one of the dumbest things I’ve seen.  Speaking of dumb, check this out:  When Dracula abducts Mina, he turns into….rats?  Nope. Werewolf?  Wrong.  Pinky Pie from My Little Pony?  That would be hilarious, but no.  He turns into a….bug.  But he doesn’t turn into just ANY bug, but a praying mantis.  I had no idea that Dracula was so talented he could transform into a horrendously CG-rendered….insect.  Apparently Argento couldn’t afford to have Dracula turn into bats, rats, or mist either, so Dracula turned into a swarm of….more insects.  He turns into bees.  “NOT THE BEES!”  The CG is spectacularly lame.  I haven’t seen visual effects THIS bad since Uwe Boll’s House of the Dead.  Actually, they’re worse, and that’s pretty bad when you can say that Uwe Boll’s movie has an advantage over one of Dario Argento’s.

Is there anything worthwhile about this movie?  Uhhh…….the music when the credits roll is kinda neat.  Would watching Van Helsing impale one of Dracula’s underlings on a poorly rendered spike count?  No?  How about when the credits roll? Yes? YES!  I win! I win!  What did I win?  Certainly not the hour and a half that I lost watching this thing.  But some of the visual effects were done practically, so there’s that.  It doesn’t feel like a consolation prize.  Seriously though, I understand that Dario Argento’s Dracula is a very low-budget movie, but everything STILL feels extremely cheap.  From the sets to the costume design, it’s like Argento either didn’t bother putting any effort into this film or he was hamstrung by the film distributors.  If anyone attempts to compare this movie with Francis Ford Coppola’s movie, they need to be slapped silly.

I honestly could not stop laughing after the film ended.  This is a movie that deserved to be on Mystery Science Theater 3000.  If you really must see this movie, here’s what you do: Get some friends and some stuff to get drunk on, and then pop the movie in.  Otherwise, stay as far away from this stinker as you can.  It’s really, really bad.  It’s also boring, too.  I’d rather watch Keanu Reeves play Jonathan Harker 24/7.  This sucker deserves a stake through the heart. 2/10.

In 1977, a relatively unknown filmmaker by the name of George Lucas released something to the public that would change the way we look at movies and how they are made.  Star Wars was released to enormous success, so much that it broke records.  This was a film that ushered in a new age of science fiction and fantasy.  No one had ever seen anything like it before.  Sure, 2001: A Space Odyssey influenced many movies, but it was Star Wars that lit up people’s imaginations.  With unique characters such as Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Han Solo, Chewbacca and Darth Vader, Star Wars became a world-wide phenomenon.  2001 notwithstanding, Star Wars is one of the most influential movies ever.  It had great characters, a great story, great music and astounding visuals.  It was revolutionary.  For a fairly low-budget picture, Star Wars garnered such a following that merchandise like toys and books were being made.  Following the original film’s success, work began on the sequel: The Empire Strikes Back.  The resulting film actually ended up besting A New Hope in almost every way, and is what many consider to be the greatest Star Wars movie ever made, and it’s hard to argue that point.  Capping off the Original Trilogy is Return of the Jedi.  While not the strongest entry in the series, it’s still an amazing achievement and had amazing action sequences that capped off the greatest movie trilogy.  Here’s an interesting tidbit: George Lucas had originally written treatments for nine movies in total, but he only made six movies.

The Prequel Trilogy began in 1999 with The Phantom Menace, continued with Attack of the Clones in 2002, and concluded with Revenge of the Sith in 2005.  The Prequel Trilogy, while successful wasn’t as critically acclaimed as the original movies, even though Revenge of the Sith took a big step in the right direction.  But shoddy writing and over-use of CG animation, really made the Prequels seem kind of generic and not nearly as memorable.  A few years back, George Lucas sold his company and Star Wars to Disney.  When that happened, they announced a bevy of new Star Wars movies, including the beginning of new film trilogy.  People had been hoping for years to see a sequel trilogy.  In December of 2015, that is exactly what we will get.  Directed by J.J Abrams, the new Star Wars film: The Force Awakens will be released to audiences world-wide.  Today, the first teaser for the film was released:

I don’t know about any of you, but I’m stoked.  It’s a year away, but if this teaser is any indication, The Force Awakens is going to be a hell of a movie.  It’s being directed by a huge fan of the series and features the return of Han Solo(Harrison Ford), Princess Leia(Carrie Fisher), Luke Skywalker(Mark Hamill), and Chewbacca(Peter Mayhew).   The teaser doesn’t show a whole lot, but seeing the Millenium Falcon again sends chills down my spine in a good way.  The Force Awakens could very well be the movie event of 2015.  There a lot of movies coming out next year, and this one just shot up to the top of my list.

Alright, for these posts, I’m going to be posting news and preview trailers for upcoming movies.  I’m going to be doing multiple movies per post.  These are movies that look very interesting to me.  Let’s get the ball rolling.  For my first preview:

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD:

I’m a huge fan of the Mad Max films, except for Thunderdome, let’s not talk about that one.  Mad Max tells the tale of a former police officer in the post-apocalyptic wastelands of Australia.  Max is wandering the wastelands after losing his wife and child to chaos.  The original films starred Mel Gibson as Max, and helped put Gibson on the map.  Mad Max: Fury Road has been in development for years, but it now looks like it’s finally going to see the light of day.  Starring Tom Hardy as Max and featuring the talents of Charlize Theron and Nicholas Hoult, Mad Max: Fury Road looks likes a very intense ride.  The previous films were known for their car chases and wild stunts, and this film looks to continue that tradition.  Helmed by George Miller, the director of the original Mad Max, Fury Road looks like it’s going to roar into theaters on May 15, 2015.  After years of delays, it looks like it’s really coming together.  I’ve got my fingers crossed for this one.  Please don’t suck.  Please don’t suck.  Warner Bros is releasing the film.

JUPITER ASCENDING:

Now this one is a surprise.  I had heard there were issues with the production, but judging from this trailer it looks absolutely incredible.  Set in the future where Earth is just a tiny part of a larger intergalactic economy, a young woman learns that she is being targeted for assassination by the Queen of the Universe.  Starring Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis and Sean Bean, Jupiter Ascending sets course for the stars on February 6, 2015.  Directed by The Wachowskis of The Matrix Trilogy, this movie looks to become another epic film in the grand tradition of Star Wars.  If the Wachowoski’s play their cards right, this could be a major hit.  Or it could be the biggest box-office bomb since John Carter.  It looks awesome enough.  I hope they get it right.  Warner Bros is also releasing this film.

JURASSIC WORLD:

In 1993, Jurassic Park was released to audiences world-wide.  Featuring state-of-the-art CGI and visual effects,  Jurassic Park became a cultural phenomenon.  Based on the best-selling book of the same name by the author, Michael Crichton,  Jurassic Park gave us a glimpse into what could have been a very unique theme park.  Jurassic World takes place 22 years after the events of the original film.  John Hammond’s(The late Sir Richard Attenborough)vision of a park with live dinosaurs has come to fruition.  Featuring Guardians of the Galaxy’s Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, Jurassic World stomps and chomps its way into theaters on June 12, 2015.  My analysis:  While the first film was incredible, the sequels really didn’t quite live up to expectations.  The films were fun, but they lacked the heart and soul that the original film delivered.  I’m still disappointed that Jeff Goldblum isn’t in this movie.  So sad.

2015 is shaping up to be an amazing year for movies.  While I’ve shown three of the movies that will be released next year, the line-up is impressive: The Avengers: Age of Ultron, the oft-delayed Seventh Son, Furious 7, Mission Impossible 5, and the film that moviegoers have been waiting for, and will get it’s own post on this site: J.J. Abrams’ Star Wars: Episode VII-The Force Awakens.  I’m absolutely stoked for what next year has in store for us.  I hope you guys will be excited too.  This is my first post for upcoming movies, so I hope to have more for you folks in the coming months, along with many more reviews.