Hey, there, y’all! This here’s Major Tom wishin’ y’all a very happy Independence Day! So, what do y’all do on Independence Day? Do ya watch some strange sport where they wack some ball with a big wooden stick or a long metal stick? Sorry, everyone: That shit’s borin’! So, how do y’all celebrate ‘merica’s birthday? You celebrate it by blowin’ shit up, that’s how! Fireworks and explosions! That’s what this here holiday’s all about! For this here post, I wanna share with you some things that get blowed up real good in them movies that get played on those big silver screens. Usin’ my new patented “Ka-Boom-O-Meter,” I’m gonna rank each explosion based on how much shit it actually blows up. So, y’all get strapped in now, y’hear? This is gonna be a lot of fun!! Yeehaw!!
Independence Day
Holeee shit! Them alien critters sure mean business, don’t they? I mean, they really brought out the big guns, and blowed up our cities and shit. That’s okay, though, we get back at ’em and show ’em what for! I like ‘splosions here, because it’s mostly all real stuff and very little of that new-fangled CGI-crap and stuff. If you’re going to blow stuff up, you’d best do it for real! Kaboom-O-Meter rating for Independence Day: KA-BOOM!!! There’s no shortage of stuff blowin’ up, so for a holiday like the 4th of July, this is a pretty good one to start with.
Star Wars Episode IV
What’s better’n watchin’ a planet blow up? Watchin’ it blow up twice, that’s what! This here clip shows the difference between the 1977 version of Star Wars and the 1997 Special Edition. Personally, I think both do a fine job of blowin’ up Alderaan. “It’s as if a million voices cried out and said, ‘Aw, crap’, and were suddenly silenced.” What? Y’all tellin’ me that there wasn’t some person on that planet that wasn’t sayin’ “Aw, crap?” Kaboom-O-Meter for Star Wars says: KA-BOOM, KA-BOOM! Next!
Rambo III
It’s Rambo. It don’t get more ‘merican than this! Kaboom-O-Meter: KA-BOOM!!
Die Hard
Now, this right here’s a doggone classic. You’ve got that Bruce Willis feller that jumps off the roof and them FBI agents shootin’ at ‘im, and then you got that terrorist dude just blowin’ shit up. It’s got everythin’: Gunfire, fire, explosions, and people runnin’ for their lives! Don’t that just uplift your spirit? My all-powerful Kaboom-O-Meter says here: KA-BOOM!
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
We got another classic, right here! This here’s Terminator 2 where they’re about to blow the shit out of a buildin’ to keep this evil computer-thingamajig from nukin’ the planet! Sounds like a plan to me! Did it work? Well, if it did, we sure as hell wouldn’t have gotten three of them lousy sequels. My Kaboom-O-Meter says: “I’ll be KA-BOOM!”
The Dark Knight
Well, it ain’t everyday you see a movie actually bring down a building, but that’s just what these folks did. It’s probably the biggest boom in the entire trilogy. Everythin’ ’bout this scene is just awesome, from Joker just strollin’ away and watchin’ the whole thing blow up behind ‘im. This one’s pretty satisfyin’. Kaboom-O-Meter: “Why so KA-BOOM?”
Dante’s Peak
This is why you don’t mess with mother nature, y’all. She’ll kill you deader than your girlfriend’s husband. Mother nature’s all sorts ‘a psycho, y’know? Best watch yourself, y’hear? Kaboom-O-Meter: All-Natural KA-BOOM!
The Marine
John Cena’s fireproof, y’all! He survives one ‘splosion after ‘nother and he ain’t even got one singed hair on ‘im! What in tarnation is he? The Terminator?! Kaboom-O-Meter says: Holy Shit. I’m out. Well, my Kaboom-O-Meter’s all burned out right now, so we’d better all call it a night. I don’t know about y’all, but I had some real fun with this one. Again, this is Major Tom wishin’ y’all a happy 4th of July and be safe. Don’t actually blow shit up that wasn’t mean to be blowed up, okay? Leave that to the movies, alright? Thanks y’all for comin. This is Major Tom, signin’ off.