I love action movies. I love movies that have awesome fight scenes. Movies like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, The Matrix, and Enter the Dragon come to mind. But for every Neo vs. Agent Smith, you have a Liu Kang vs Shao Kahn. I get that making an action film isn’t easy. No movie is. But for the movies that I’m going to be putting on this list, they really could’ve used either a few more takes or required a different action director/choreographer. But for some reason, some of these movies just made do with that crap that they filmed….and…well, audiences know when something is absolutely dog-shit. I’m talking bottom of the barrel stuff here. So, strap yourselves in, this is going to be a bumpy ride. For your consideration, an appropriate amount of snark may be applied.
Liu Kang vs. Shao Kahn – Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
Speaking of Liu Kang vs Shao Kahn, I decided to watch Mortal Kombat: Annihilation today. In fact, this movie is kind of what inspired this list. Anybody who is familiar with action movies and Mortal Kombat is going to know that Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is one of the worst movies ever made. Yet, despite all the film’s problems, it holds a special place in my heart as a movie that is “so bad, it’s good.” This final battle is one of the worst final battles I’ve ever seen. There’s a lot of bad fight scenes in this movie, but this one takes the cake. The clip that I’m showing has Liu Kang turning into a dragon(or a loose stool interpretation of one) and Shao Kahn turning into a multi-headed hydra. It’s bonkers. The choreography here is absolutely awful, considering that the actors involved are martial artists. To be fair, though, the character of Shao Kahn has always used brute force, not finesse. I could honestly write a dissertation on why this movie ain’t good. I may actually do that at some point, but I digress. Yeah, this is bad. It’s so bad, it’s hilarious.
Sever Vs. A.J. Ross – Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever
The Matrix inspired a lot of knock-offs when it was released including Jet Li’s The One, Swordfish, and Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever. This particular film follows Sever, a female assassin as she’s being chased by Ecks, a hardened former FBI agent. I’m not even going to get into the story, because there isn’t much of one. This is one dull, plodding, and weak-sauce film. The one thing I can absolutely say that this film has going for it is that there isn’t a lot of CGI. The explosions, stunts and fight sequences are all done in camera. So, there’s that. You also have Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu in the lead roles, except they’re not given much to do except collect a paycheck. Ironically, what we have here is yet another final battle, only this time it’s between Lucy Liu and Ray Park(yes, THAT one). Ray Park is an exceptional martial artist as he is an expert in Wushu Kung Fu, and it’s on display in this fight. There’s a problem though: This fight sucks. The choreography is amateurish and slow, and it doesn’t have any impact. It’s just lame.
Matt Damon vs. Marton Csokas – The Bourne Supremacy
The first three Bourne movies are some of my favorite action/espionage movies ever. Matt Damon just crushed it as Jason Bourne. The first film was fantastic, and you could tell what was going on in the action scenes, but when Paul Greengrass took over as director for the second and third movies, all that went out the window. Greengrass prefers the “gritty and realistic” look of the shaky cam technique. I fucking hate the shaky-cam, especially in close-quarters combat. You can’t see a thing. Look at the clip I posted. Can YOU see what’s going on? No? Neither can I. The only real reason that shaky-cam is used in these fight scenes is to hide bad choreography. That’s really the only reason. The third movie wasn’t as bad as the second, but it still got on my nerves. The constant use of shaky-cam gives me a head-ache.
Tony Jaa vs. Marrese Crump – The Protector 2
The Protector 2 was supposed to be Tony Jaa’s big comeback after his meltdown on Ong-Bak 2 and 3. Instead of being a comeback vehicle for Mr. Jaa, The Protector 2 ended up being a complete disaster. It has its moments, but those overshadowed by the fact that this film was intended to be in 3D. It’s PAINFULLY obvious that there were certain scenes that were shot with 3D in mind. The obvious green-screen effects are embarrassing, and this fight on the train tracks is nothing short of atrocious. Ignore the fact that a lot of it is shot on a green screen. The mere physics of the fight are wonky as hell. Both Marrese and Tony’s feet are soaking wet, so what do they do? They have a fight on an electrified track…..that would’ve fried them both within seconds. Also, the sound effects used for this fight are lightsaber sounds. Yeah, the film-makers used lightsaber sound effects to “enhance” the electrical effects of the scene. This scene also commits the biggest sin: Having Tony Jaa on wires. He made his name on movies where he didn’t need wires to be flying around. Here? Wires are constantly being used. The first film was a hard-hitting action-fest of a movie, and was incredibly fun. This? Don’t bother with it.
Zai vs. The Guardian – Highlander: The Source
Highlander: The Source is, in my humble opinion, the worst film on this list and the worst film in the Highlander franchise. Say what you will about Highlander: Endgame, but that film had some really great fight sequences, especially the ones with Donnie Yen. Highlander 3 was goofy fun, and the second film….well…it exists. The problem with The Source is the writing and the fight choreography. Holy shit, this is some of the worst of both that I’ve ever seen. The fight sequences involve a supernatural character called The Guardian, who supposedly guards the source of power for the Immortals. This first fight scene with the Guardian isn’t the worst in the film, but it does set the tone for the rest of the picture. It’s also the only fight the shows the Quickening, which is the transfer of power from the dead Immortal to the surviving one. Not only that, the constant shift of speed between slow-motion and super-fast motion is ridiculous. Between the fight scenes and the horrendous dialogue and acting, Highlander: The Source has earned its place in the dust-bin of history. There’s a reason this one went straight to the Sci-Fi Channel.
Superman vs. Nuclear Man – Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
There’s bad. There’s stupid. Then, there’s Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. The Canon Film Group, probably the most notorious movie studio to ever exist, managed to get the rights to produce more Superman movies. They didn’t just stumble out of the gates, they face-planted. On the surface, Superman IV had some interesting ideas, it’s just too bad that Canon slashed the budget for the movie to help produce Masters of the Universe. As a result, story elements and visual effects were the first casualties. This movie was such a disaster that even the late Christopher Reeve hated it. Everybody knows that Superman IV is the worst comic-book film ever made. But most people don’t go into the why it’s so bad. Well, the final battle between Superman and Nuclear Man says it all. The entire “fight” is in slow motion, and even then you have two grown men basically wrestling each other. It’s unintentionally homo-erotic and hilarious at the same time. Suffice to say, Superman IV was the final nail in the coffin for Canon as the studio shut down and filed for bankruptcy a few years later. The 1980s were home to many a classic film. THIS wasn’t one of them. It doesn’t even enjoy cult status. Also: Moving the moon from its orbit? That would have apocalyptic results. But then again, the writers of this film didn’t really care…..about anything.
I could go on forever and ever and ever about the worst fight scenes in the world. Sadly, there’s not enough time in the day for that and there are other things that I would certainly like to write about, but I figured it was time to go over some really awful fight scenes. Some of them are fun to watch, mostly in a “point-and-laugh-at-it” kind of way. But it also goes to show that if you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. That could also be said for the movies that contain said fight scenes. C’est la vie.