Released: February 2014
Developer: Teyon
Publisher: Reef Entertainment
Platform/s: PC, XBOX 360, PlayStation 3
Price: $39
I usually use this website to post about movies and such. But periodically, I will talk about my other favorite past-time, video games. I’m a big-time gamer. I’m not particularly that great at video games, but I love the hell out of them….mostly. People often complain about movies based on video games and how crappy they are, and for the most part, they’re correct. With some obvious exceptions such as Mortal Kombat, most movies based on games just plain suck. That also goes the other way. Games based on movies are generally not very good. Again, there are exceptions, such as Chronicles of Riddick: Escape From Butcher Bay, a good number of Star Wars games, Alien Isolation, and Ghostbusters. Most of the crap that’s shoveled out the door are nothing but blatant cash-grabs. That leads me to what is quite possibly the most inexplicable release of 2014: Rambo: The Video Game. I had heard that someone was going to be making a game based on one of the most popular movie characters of the 1980’s, but Rambo? They’re about 8 years late if they wanted to release the game during a point when John J. Rambo was making a comeback. I don’t know what the hell they were thinking, but Rambo: The Video Game is a bit of a catastrophe, no strike that. It’s a bit of an abomination. In this day and age of first-person shooters, action RPG’s and third person spectacle fighters, why would you even consider releasing an on-rails shooter based on old license?
For those who don’t know what an on-rails shooter is, it’s a game that automatically moves you from point to point where you point and shoot the enemy. This kind of game is usually pretty popular in arcades and maybe on the consoles that have a light-gun accessory. So, yes, Rambo: The Video Game is an on-rails shooter featuring John J. Rambo. The trailer I posted above is deceptive. It shows the game as an intense first-person shooter. It’s not. The game follows the character of John J. Rambo through the first three films: First Blood, First Blood Part II, and Rambo III. The first level in the game takes place in Vietnam during 1971 when Rambo was being held in a P.O.W. camp. The next level follows his exploits in Hope, Washington as he’s attempted to be run out of town by an intolerant Sheriff Teasle. After escaping custody, the following level has him running through the forest, trying to evade the police. Next, Rambo is rampaging through the town going after the Evil Sheriff. Speaking of which, do you recall the scene in First Blood where Rambo murders a town full of police officers? No? That’s okay, I don’t either. I also don’t recall the film portraying Rambo as a complete psycho. While the following films definitely had him become a one-man wrecking machine, the original film had the character as a very sympathetic guy who was trying to make his way through town, and the town’s sheriff decided he wasn’t going to be part of it and pissed off the wrong guy. See, John J. Rambo was Special Forces. So, Teasle had no idea what he was getting himself into. The game? It dumps all of that out the window in favor of a shooting gallery. One that you can’t really move in, because it moves for you. There’s a lot to dislike about this game, and I use “dislike” conservatively.
For one, the game looks like ass. The engine that they use is like something from early-PlayStation 2 era. The character models are an absolute joke, but its Rambo himself that looks the worst. He looks like something that came out of a sausage factory, with links for arms and a face that resembles a constipated bulldog. It looks NOTHING like Stallone. It’s all compounded by the fact that that the developers at Teyon had the audacity to rip actual sound clips from the movies. I’m not kidding, there are clips where it is absolutely clear that it’s Sylvester Stallone and Richard Crenna. Crenna would be spinning in his grave to find out that his voice had been ripped from the movies that he did and put into a game that was poorly thought out and put together. The game is loaded with QTEs. What is a QTE? For those who don’t know or don’t play video games, QTE stands for Quick Time Event. Basically, it involves a series of button presses to get your character to move or react to a situation. There are a lot of games out there that utilize this technique. Some good, some bad. Rambo is not one of the good ones. There are stealth sections where you push a button and he moves to the next section. It’s beyond sloppy. There are levels where the music will constantly repeat itself. The music is ALSO ripped from the movies. Because this is a on-rails shooter, the game throws waves and waves of enemies at you. Sometimes you end up standing right out in the open. There is a mini-game when you reload your gun, where if you time it perfectly, you somehow end up with more ammo than you did before…..it’s MAGICAL!! This game is a complete and utter wreck. I don’t know how the hell Teyon and Reef Entertainment ended up getting the license to make a game, but they really butchered it. Is there anything good about the game? Uh….some of the explosions are…..somewhat okay. It’s unintentionally hilarious. I find myself laughing every time the game puts Rambo’s face on the screen. It’s both hilarious and frightening. Don’t believe me? Watch the trailer. Oh, and the game is really, really short, so the pain doesn’t last very long. I’m not kidding. It took me 2.5 to 3 hours to complete. And this is for 40 bucks? Who the hell are they kidding? That’s a f**king rip-off. It’s a good thing I only paid 6 bucks for the damn thing on Amazon. If Rambo: The Video Game had been released during the early years of the PS2’s life cycle and cost about 10 bucks, then yeah, I would go for it….MAYBE. 6 bucks is still way to generous for what you get here. For 40 bucks, you could actually get all 4 movies on Blu-Ray and the experience would last longer and be more entertaining.
If you’re getting into video games for the first time and this is the first you pick up, I wouldn’t be surprised if you dropped gaming like a bad habit. Now, I write this over a year after the game has come out, so other critics have eviscerated this game already. YouTubers like Angry Joe and TotalBuiscuit have already done an amazing job tearing this “game” to pieces. You’re better off watching the movies. If you’re the slightest bit curious, don’t pay full price. I’m not advocating piracy, so I’m suggesting you either buy the game used or find it online for as little as possible, so the developer doesn’t that much money if any. One other thing: This game randomly crashes for no reason. Hey, that could be drinking game: You take a drink every time the game crashes! Although, it would be a short game, because Rambo’s a short game. In all seriousness, rail shooters have their place, but Rambo was just poorly thought out. StudioCanal who holds the rights to the films, sold the video game and publishing rights to Reef. I’m thinking that StudioCanal should have reconsidered. I’m repeating myself, but this is not a good game. It’s not even a good rail shooter. The House of the Dead series is better. I recommend hitting this thing with a freaking hammer. My final score:
Graphics: 1/10. Rambo! The Sausage Man!!
Gameplay: 3/10. Point And click. I’d rather play Minesweeper.
Sound: 2/10. Audio ripped directly from the movies. It’s not even done very well, either.
Unintentional Hilarity: 20/10. It’s a comedy!
Overall: 4/10. Crapfest 2014.
Did I mention that this is a bad game?