Released: February 2015
Director: Sam Taylor-Johnson
Rated R
Run Time: 125 Minutes
Distributor: Universal Pictures
Genre: Drama, “Romance”, Unintentional Comedy
Cast:
Dakota Johnson: Anastasia Steele
Jamie Dornan: Christian Grey
Jennifer Ehle: Carla
Eloise Mumford: Kate
Marcia Gay Harden: Mrs. Grey
Fan fiction is what people turn to when their favorite movie/game/book or whatever ends and nothing else comes of it. They either rely on other fans to craft more stories or expand that particular universe, or they create it themselves. It happens all the time. We’ve got fan fiction for all sorts of sci-fi and horror movies, and the occasional romance and drama. Hell, there’s even fan fiction for Twilight, if you can believe that. This is where E.L. James comes in. See, E.L. James wrote a piece of fan-fiction for Twilight, but she decided to change the name of some of the characters and basically make a novel out of it. That novel ended up getting a movie: Fifty Shades of Grey. Now, you may have noticed the meme that I used at the top of this post. That’s the facial expression I was constantly using while watching this movie. Be warned: There may be more…memes.
This…farce of a film begins with young English major, Anastasia Steele going to interview playboy billionaire Christian Grey. After awkwardly asking some questions, Mr. Grey is strangely drawn to Miss Steele. She’s also attracted to him because he’s tall and good-looking. Well, one thing leads to another and they start dating. Soon after, Mr. Grey decides to show her his apartment. He also shows her his “playroom.” It’s essentially a BDSM den with whips and ropes and chains. She seems to be shocked and then intrigued. You know, any reasonable woman that sees something like that on a first date or something should have some warning bells going off. I get that people have their kinks and fetishes, but usually you wouldn’t show a woman what you plan to do to her on a second or third date. Also, the names! Anastasia Steele? Really? That’s a porno stage name. It’s the same thing with Christian Grey.
I know this movie is supposed to be a drama and taken seriously, but….seriously? I’ve never read the book, so I couldn’t tell you how accurate the movie is, and I have no plans on reading the book. From what I understand it’s kind of a porno in word form. This is definitely NOT a movie for kids, that’s for sure. There is gratuitous and graphic nudity and sexual content, although, it’s kind of tame when it comes to the BDSM aspect. Well, considering some of the horror movies I’ve seen, this seems tame. I realize that I’m not the target audience for a movie like this, but I have to question: Who IS the target audience? Eh…it doesn’t matter. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. You have this naive girl that’s trying to get this sadist to open up to her and he constantly refuses, but basically tells her to be obedient if she wants to have ANY kind of relationship with him. Call me crazy, but my thought process behind female empowerment was not to be submissive. This movie basically sets women back 50 or so years. If the woman was the dominant one in this kind of relationship that would be different, but she’s not. This goes to the incredibly shoddy writing of E.L James. The characters are so poorly written and incredibly stereotyped, it’s really hard to take this kind of thing seriously.
Honestly, this meme is Anastasia Steele, through and through. We start figuring out that Christian Grey has a history of being abused so…he is taking it out on women, I guess? We get so very little information about these characters, it’s embarrassing. Honestly, most of the characters are just….there, and not much else. The acting is surprisingly NOT bad, given the material. Dakota Johnson is a lovely girl and she does the best she can. Jamie Dornan is suitably creepy as the billionaire. They even managed to rope Marcia Gay Harden into this film. The music by Danny Elfman is one of his weakest scores to date, as it’s not particularly memorable. That’s not to say everything’s bad. The cinematography is actually quite good. We get some really great shots of the cities and country-side. We also get some….interesting close-ups during the…..sessions. I’m not going to lie, Dakota Johnson is a beautiful woman. Aside from that the whole thing is just:
And then I was:
Honestly, though: I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in a long time. I’m not opposed to romantic movies or dramas, but this is a really poor attempt at trying to be both and provocative at the same time. It’s not even kinky. What this movie is basically saying is that women are stupid. They should be insulted by this movie. As a man, I’M insulted by this movie. There is nothing intelligent at all here. There is absolutely no reason to take this movie seriously at all. The fact that they have 2 more movies planned just has me going:
Memes aside, this is a terrible movie. It’s a terrible premise from a terrible book by a terrible author. Why anyone would think this fracas is any good is beyond my mortal abilities of comprehension. If you’re looking for a great unintentional comedy, you’ve come to the right movie. But if you’re going to take it seriously:
My final score for 50 Shades of Grey is……..5 ball gags out of 10.