WARNING: THIS POST WILL CONTAIN A GREAT DEAL OF PROFANITY. IF YOU HAVE ATTEMPTED TO SIT THROUGH THE SHITFEST THAT WAS ADAM SANDLER’S LATEST MOVIE, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.
Where do I begin with something like this? Do I begin with the fact that this was the first movie in theaters that I’ve walked out on? Do I begin with the fact that Adam Sandler is somehow still making shitty movies? You know what? Fuck it. I’m gonna wing it. I have never, EVER, seen a movie that pissed me off the way that Pixels did. I’ve seen a lot of crappy movie in my time, but Pixels makes The Room look like Citizen Kane. At least I finished The Room. I knew going in, that Pixels was going to be awful. Most of the reviews that I’ve seen and read have torn this fucker to shreds, and I’m going to do the same. Let me tell you something first, I paid 7.25 to get into the theater, and that was way too much for the amount of stupid that I sat through. The film starts off innocently enough in 1982 with kids going to a new arcade to check it out and have fun. That’s what kids did back then. So what went wrong? Everything. Every. Fucking. Thing. The casting was unbelievably atrocious. Kevin James as the President? Are you kidding me? It’s clear that they were poking fun at New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Josh Gad as the resident Conspiracy Theorist? I am aghast at that man. I’ve never seen a character so fucking irritating. The writing: Jesus Christ, this crap is awful. From the awkward moments between Michelle Monaghan’s and Sandler’s characters to the horrid jokes that were being told throughout. Who the hell wrote this thing? While Adam Sandler is surprisingly, from what I’ve seen, the least problematic part of the film, but his production company, Happy Madison is behind the whole thing. This movie was based on a short by the same name that was released in 2010:
This was better than the crap-fest that was released into theaters last week. The people behind the Adam Sandler movie should be ashamed of themselves. No, worse: They should be made to watch the film from beginning to end, A Clockwork Orange-style, with their eyes forced open multiple times. Adam Sandler’s Pixels is the cinematic equivalent of torture. I wouldn’t wish this garbage on my worst enemy. I don’t know how or why people keep going to see Sandler’s movies. I really don’t understand it. He hasn’t made a good movie since Happy Gilmore. It is abundantly clear that he’s gotten lazy in acting and writing. The only real good thing Pixels has going for it, were the visuals. They were genuinely interesting. But having to slog through some of the worst writing and acting I have seen in years, isn’t worth it. Just…Just don’t. Don’t go see it, don’t pay for it. If someone wants to take you to go see the film, kick them in the balls or give them a titty twister and tell them to fuck off. I said earlier that I have never walked out on a movie before. That is the truth, and as such I cannot give Pixels a proper review. I can only review movies that I have seen in their entirety. But I can report on what I have seen thus far, and what I have seen is pure shit. I left the theater with steam coming out of my ears. It also didn’t help that the movie was extremely loud. I was cringing whenever something got turned into rubble. I grew up with the games that the movie was trying to deal with. Pac-Man, Q-Bert, Centipede, Donkey Kong, and Galaga were games that I grew up playing. Boy, did they shit all over that. Just watch the short that I posted above, and avoid the damned Adam Sandler movie. I know he’s still got his fans, but I really don’t know what they see in him anymore. Fuck this movie. Yeah, this is a short post, but I can only keep a rant going on for so long. So for anybody who is used to my regular PG-13 rated posts, I apologize, but I needed to do this. Adam Sandler and Company deserve a spot in the Dunce Corner. I’m not going to apologize for that, either.