So Bad It’s Good: Gymkata

Director: Robert Clouse

Released: May 1985

Run Time: 90 Minutes

Rated R

Distributor: Warner Bros.

Genre: Martial Arts/Unintentional Com

Sarcasm Level: This

Cast:
Kurt Thomas: Jonathan Cabot
Tetchie Agbayani: Princess Rubali
Richard Norton: Zamir
Edward Bell: Paley
John Barrett: Gomez
Conan Lee: Hao

I’ve been accused by both friends AND family that I watch a lot of crap.  In my defense: Well…..okay, there really is none.  I DO watch a lot of crap.  During the 80’s, there was a TON of B and Z-level schlock going around.  Yeah, the decade had it’s fair share of blockbusters like Star Wars and Indiana Jones, but it was also peppered with some really, REALLY bad movies like Remo Williams, The Black Hole, and most horror movies that came out at that time.  But the genre that really took a few bad hits, was the martial arts genre.  American made martial arts movies really weren’t that good, unless they featured Chuck Norris.  Even then, they still weren’t that good.  If you wanted a good fight movie, you either had to go back a decade with Bruce Lee movies, or you had to check out films from Hong Kong, which tended to feature Jackie Chan.  But somewhere in that sea of B-Grade madness was a little gem of a bad film known only as Gymkata.  When you have a movie that has this as a tag line, “A new kind of martial arts combat! The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate,” you know you’re in for some Oscar-worthy film-making and performances.

Set in the fictional country of Parmistan, young gymnast Johnathan Cabot is approached by the US Government to take over his father’s assignment in said country after Johnathan’s father disappeared.  To take part in the country’s traditional, yet sadistic “game,” Johnathan trains to be a fighter, aided by Princess Rubali, the daughter of the ruler of Parmistan.  En route to Parmistan and after many shenanigans, our hero is welcomed by the evil Zamir, who intends to usurp the throne for himself.  When you have a movie taking place in a fictional country whose name is crossed between Afghanistan and parmesan, you are in for some SERIOUS cheese.  Well, if it’s cheese you want, it’s cheese you will get.  Gymkata is LOADED with cheese.

Where do I start?  Let’s start with the casting.  The main character of Johnathan Cabot is played by Kurt Thomas, who is neither an actor, nor a martial artist.  No, Thomas is a three-time Olympic gold medal gymnast.  The man’s physicality allows him to perform most, if not all of his own stunts.  So, when he’s tumbling or doing back flips, that’s not a stunt double.  Tetchi Agbayani is the requisite love interest, and a pretty face is all she is.  The real heavy-weight of the bunch here is Richard Norton as the villainous Zamir.  It actually makes sense for Norton to be here, because he is a phenomenal martial artist.  In fact, he trained Kurt Thomas for his role in the film.  For a guy who started out as a bodyguard, Richard Norton has some major screen presence.  He’s not a bad actor at all, either.  Except for Gymkata.  Nobody was good here.  The action is not good either as a lot of the set pieces were set up with specific objects for Kurt Thomas to use, like the high-bar and the pommel horse.  I wish I was kidding, but I’m not.  While there is plenty of action, the biggest and most memorable action scene is where Cabot is running through a village that’s populated by crazy people.  He ends up using a pommel horse, conveniently placed in the main square so he can take out the villagers one at a time.  That’s another interesting thing about the film:  Like the kung-fu movies of yore, each person takes on the hero one at a time instead of all at once.

Strangely, for a movie THIS bad, it’s surprisingly very entertaining, even if it IS unintentional.  The movie was directed Robert Clouse, who directed Enter The Dragon, arguably the best kung-fu movie ever made.  For a guy whose bread and butter was martial arts movies, Gymkata was definitely his weakest effort.  Gymkata is one of those glorious trainwrecks that while it bombed in the box office, it managed to gain a bit of a cult following because of how bad it is.  This was Kurt Thomas’s one and only movie.  In a decade that was dominated by Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, having a main hero that’s a bit of a waif compared to those beefcakes.  It is no surprise to me that his movie career was over before it began.  I’m also not going to go over how ridiculous the costumes are.  Cliche is all I will say.  The movie was filmed on location in Yugoslavia so it does have a kind of a European feel to it.

It’s amazing to me that somebody could actually make a movie like this and expect it to compete with other action movies during the 80’s.  Make no mistake, this is definitely an 80’s flick.  It has all the cheese you desire.  It’s a bad martial arts movie and a bad movie in general, but I can’t help but love the hell out of it.  There is something truly endearing about movies like this that I really enjoy.  I’m going to score this a little differently:
Acting: 2/10
Action: Not Boring/10
Awfulness: 10/10
Cheesiness: Velveeta/10
Story:  Lolwut?
Overall: 9/10.

What can I say?  I love it.  Yes, it’s terrible, but it’s a lot of fun….especially if you’re drinking.

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