Category: Reviews

Released: May 2004

Director: Phil Tippett

Run Time: 88 Minutes

Rated R

Distributor: Sony/Tristar Pictures

Cast:
Richard Burgi: Captain V.J. Dax
Ed Lauter: General Jack Gordon Shephard
Brenda Strong: Sgt. Dede Rake
Colleen Porch: Pvt. Lei Sahara
Lawrence Monoson: Lt. Pavlov Dill

One of the greatest things about director Paul Verhoeven is that regardless of what kind of movie he makes, you can almost guarantee that people will talk about it for years.  Why?  It’s a huge number of reasons.  It could be the over-the-top bloody violence.  It could be the not-so-subtle sexuality on display, or it could be the incredibly obvious social commentary that permeates each of his movies.  Regardless of which reason a movie of his is memorable, the fact that they are so memorable speaks volumes about his dedication to the craft.  This last weekend, I saw my Twitter feed explode with really ding-dong takes about how Starship Troopers isn’t a satire of fascism.  I’ll settle it right now: It IS satire.  Now, whether or not you like it as satire is a whole different can of beans.  For a movie that’s nearly 30 years old, people are still divided over it.  Personally, I loved the hell out of it, and I’ve read the book it’s LOOSELY based on.  It wasn’t a super successful movie, but for some reason, Sony decided to start doing sequels to the movie.  We now have three live-action films and two animated ones.  All of which are canonical to the original 1997 picture.  20 years ago, in 2004, we got our first direct-to-video sequel in Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation.

Set sometime after the Terran Federation captured a brain bug on the distant planet P, we see a platoon of Mobile Infantry troopers trying to escape the Arachnids when they reach an abandoned outpost.  Taking cover from the bugs and the storm, the troopers, led by psychic Lt. Dill, discover that there is one lone occupant of the outpost: a former Federation officer named Dax.  After being released by Pvt. Sahara, Dax helps secure the building when a handful of lost troopers, including General Jack Shephard show up.  Things start taking a turn for the strange when these new troopers start behaving very strangely.  It turns out that these troopers are host for a new kind of bug intent on infiltrating the Federation at the highest levels.  It’s very clear from the film’s budget of 7 million dollars, that Starship Troopers 2 was never going to match the original movie in any capacity.  Story-wise, this is a far more contained film than the sprawling space soap opera that was Verhoeven’s movie.  Instead, this movie is set pretty much in a single location: An abandoned outpost on the fringes of Federation space.  That alone makes this a very different kind of movie.  This is more of a horror movie than a big sci-fi epic spectacle.  It actually has more in common with movies like The Thing and Alien.  Now, I’m not saying it’s as good as those movies.  Far from it.  It’s not even in the same league.

When I first heard that a sequel to Starship Troopers was made, I was excited.  I thought I was going to get more of the great action sequences that peppered Verhoeven’s original film.  Nope.  It certainly had action, but it wasn’t even close to being what the first movie was, and that pissed me off.  I remember distinctly HATING this movie when I first saw it.  From the acting to the CGI, it was an abominable mess.  Now, having seen it nearly 20 years after its release, do I still hate it?  No.  Not remotely.  I’m not saying it’s a good movie.  It isn’t it.  Between the obvious budget limitations and the fact that this was the directorial debut of creature effects guru Phil Tippett, Hero of the Federation has a lot going against it.  This is not a grand sci-fi spectacle.  This is a horror movie, and on that level…it kind of works.  This is a pretty gory movie, and most of the blood and guts are practical, which is a HUGE plus in my book.  It’s also pretty atmospheric.  The level of claustrophobia is high.  Again: more points.

Everything else about the movie is…questionable.  The CGI isn’t the worst I’ve seen, but it’s still not very impressive, when you can see it.  There’s another bad mark: The cinematography is AWFUL.  I get that this is a very different kind of movie than the first, but the film is so poorly shot, you can barely make out anything that happens.  It’s a dark movie…literally.  The set designs are fine as it’s all on stage.  But the green-screen effects are…nasty, and not in a good way.  The acting is also not very good.  In fact, the only person that returned to the franchise was Brenda Strong, who played Captain Deladier in the previous movie.  Here, she plays Sgt. Rake, a tough-as-nails, cigar-munching squad leader.  I thought she did just fine.  The other acting highlight is Richard Burgi as Captain Dax.  I think he knew exactly what kind of movie he was in, because he chews the scenery like its nobody’s business.  Everyone else, though is weak, and so are the characters.  Lawrence Monoson plays the psychic Lt. Dill, who comes across as a bit of a…dill.  Colleen Porch is supposed to play our resident hero, Pvt. Sahara, but she just wasn’t convincing.

The movie was so low-budget they couldn’t even afford blanks for the guns, so instead they used flashing lights to indicate a burst.  That’s great, if you’re going up against someone who has epilepsy, but giant bugs?  I don’t actually blame Phil Tippett entirely for this mess.  He’s an award-winning visual effects artist that’s worked on some of the biggest movies that Hollywood has made.  This movie was clearly intended to be what it ended up being, so in that regard, it works.  It really does.  But as a sequel to Starship Troopers, it sucks.  For fans of the original movie, there were certain expectations that Hero of the Federation was simply never going to deliver, and when I first saw it, I was devastated at what I was seeing.  20 years later, I now understand what the intent was, and I think it was decent enough.  Also, the whole propaganda angle of the original film was mostly removed, so the movie played it straight.  It’s a vastly different kind of movie, but I don’t hate it as much as I used to.  Is it a good movie?  Not by a long shot.  It’s got a lot of problems from a technical and narrative perspective, but I think it’s fun in its own way.

Released: August 2012(United States)

Director: M.J. Bassett(As Michael J. Bassett)

Rated R

Run Time: 104 Minutes

Distributor: Anchor Bay

Genre: Action/Fantasy

Cast:
James Purefoy: Solomon Kane
Max Von Sydow: Josiah Kane
Rachel Hurd-Wood: Meredith Crawthorn
Pete Postlethwaite: William Crawthorn

Conan: The Barbarian is widely regarded as one of the best fantasy films of the 80s, and why not?  It was an epic revenge story starring Arnold Schwarzenegger that put him on the map.  It also a great cast including Sandahl Bergman in her first real role as Valeria; Max Von Sydow as King Osric, and the legendary James Earl Jones as the iconic Thulsa Doom.  Arnold would go on to star in movies like The Terminator, which was his next project.  There are die-hard fans of Robert E. Howard’s original stories that don’t care for the movie, because it wasn’t in line with who and what the wanted the Cimmerian to be.  Still, the movie got a sequel, The Destroyer, and a television series as well as multiple comic book adaptations through Marvel, and a reboot starring Jason Momoa.  But Conan wasn’t the only character that was the creation of Howard’s.  He created other characters like Kull(who also got a movie starring Kevin Sorbo).  But for this review, I’m tackling Solomon Kane.

Solomon Kane begins in the year 1600, when privateer captain Solomon Kane lays siege to an Ottoman fortress.  Killing his way to the throne room, he encounters the Devil’s Reaper, who has come to claim his soul for all the evil that he’s committed.  Escaping the demon, Kane ends up at a monastery, swearing off his life of violence for a more peaceful existence.  A year later, he’s forced to leave to find his own way to redemption when he crosses paths with a Puritan family, the Crawthorns, a kindly family on their way to the New World.  One night, they are attacked and the young woman, Meredith is kidnapped.  Forced to return to violence, Kane hunts and kills his way through the countryside to find and rescue Meredith, not realizing there are more sinister forces at work.  This is actually a very interesting origin story for one of Howard’s more obscure “heroes.”  I’ve read a bunch of the short stories, and there really isn’t a whole lot of exploration of Kane’s past.  You get a few hints here and there that he committed some horrendous acts of violence, and is searching for some kind of redemption by fighting evil, but that’s it.  What this movie does, and I love it for this, is that it doesn’t directly adapt anything from the stories, does its own thing, but it remains mostly faithful to Howard’s vision.  At least, in my opinion.  It’s a surprisingly good story.

Before I go any further, I want to discuss the film’s release.  The movie was completed in 2008 and was released world-wide in 2009…except for North America, due to legal reasons.  It would eventually get released on DVD and Blu-Ray in 2012.  I don’t know the ins and outs of what the legal issues where that prevented the film’s release in North America, but I can tell you this: Solomon Kane needed a theatrical release.  In my opinion, it’s the best adaptation of a Robert E. Howard character since the original Conan.  First off, let’s talk about the casting: Absolutely phenomenal.  James Purefoy as Kane is one of the best castings of the last 20 years.  He has the look, the charisma, and the physicality to bring The Puritan to life.  Pete Postlethwaite plays William Crawthorn, the patriarch of a West-bound family.  He’s got this warmth and gravitas that just permeates the screen every second that he’s in front of the camera.  Alice Krige is also really good, despite her limited run time.  Max Von Sydow brings some real legitimacy as Josiah, Solomon’s father.  It kind of makes sense to cast HIM, because he was in Conan: The Barbarian.  Seriously, though, Sydow could do no wrong.  He was one of the great actors of his generation.  Again, not much screen time, but the man had presence.  The acting overall, is pretty good, but there really isn’t much character development aside from Kane.

This movie is beautifully shot.  It’s beautifully ugly, I should say.  The cinematography is great, but the world of Solomon Kane isn’t exactly sunflowers and dandelions.  No, this is a very dark world that’s suffering through disease and bandits and demonic forces.  So, the color palate is very…subdued and grey.  It’s also very wet and muddy.  It’s an ugly reality that Kane inhabits.  You could definitely tell that this was not an easy shoot.  The action sequences are not just competent, but they’re actually really solid, especially the opening siege as well as Kane’s slaughtering of the bandits that kidnapped Meredith.  The sword-fighting, while not as memorable as something like The Mask of Zorro, is well-staged, with Kane using a rapier, a dirk, and two flintlock pistols.  There is definitely CGI used in the movie, and it’s not particularly great, but it gets the job done, but for the most part, it’s all done for real.  The stunt-work is phenomenal with Purefoy doing a lot of his stunts and fighting.  It’s a fairly exciting movie to watch, but the tone is definitely very serious and dark, and that’s just not going to work for a lot of people.  I love the hell out of it, though.

It’s hard to judge how well Solomon Kane should’ve done, because it’s based on a character that the audience member has no idea exists.  For Robert E. Howard fans, it was either a joy to see this character brought to life, or it was an abomination.  But the overall reaction to the film was surprisingly not overly negative.  It wasn’t going to win awards or anything, but there were a number of outlets that actually enjoyed the film.  It’s flawed, to be sure, but I think this movie could’ve done better with better marketing and an actual release in North America when it was first released.  When I first heard of the movie, I was excited, but I wasn’t able to see the film until it Blu-Ray 4 years later.  It’s a solid action adventure film with really strong performances from most of its cast, and decent action sequences that rival some of the stuff that we see today.  Also, the music by Klaus Badelt is pretty epic.  If you liked Conan: The Barbarian, you might actually find something here to enjoy.  It’s not the best movie of its kind, but I think it’s good enough on its own merits.  Highly recommended.

Released: July 1985

Director: Richard Fleischer

Rated PG-13

Run Time: 89 Minutes

Distributor: Warner Bros.

Genre: Fantasy

Cast:
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Kalidor
Brigitte Nielson: Red Sonja
Sandahl Bergman: Queen Gedren
Ernie Reyes, Jr.: Prince Tarn
Paul Smith: Falcon
Ronald Lacey: Ikol

This may come as a huge shock to many of you, but I really like bad movies.  When you look at my movie collection, you might see that I have more bad movies than good ones, and you would probably be correct.  There is a word to use describe the bad movies that I love so much: Guilty pleasures.  But that begs the question: If I love these kinds of movies so much, should I really feel guilty about it?  Well, all I know is that I don’t feel guilty at all.  Especially when it comes to 80’s fantasy movies like Krull, Dragonslayer, or the Conan movies.  I LOVE that stuff.  I grew up on it.  The whole sword-and-sorcery aspect of the fantasy genre can be truly epic when it’s done right.  When it’s not, you end up with something like Red Sonja.  It’s widely regarded as one of the worst movies to come out of the 80’s, and for good reason.  Yet, for all it’s problems, I grew up loving it.  This movie is what I define as a “guilty pleasure.”

Red Sonja is set in the fictional age of Hyboria, same universe as Conan.  The film begins when a cult of priestesses are attempting to destroy the Talisman, an ancient object of immense power, before it destroys the world.  But, they’re interrupted when the evil queen Gedren shows up.  Most of the priestesses are slaughtered and the Talisman is stolen.  One priestess manages to get away, but is mortally wounded when a man named Kalidor finds her.  She tells him to find her sister, Sonja.  Sonja is found training with a master swordsman when she learns that her’s dying wish is that Sonja find and destroy the Talisman before it wreaks havoc across the land.  Along the way, she discovers that a young prince, Tarn and his guardian Falcon, are the only survivors of Gedren’s assault on their kingdom.  Believe it or not, Sonja’s story isn’t awful, but it does feel like there’s too much going on.  You’ve got Sonja, who is out for revenge against Gedren, who murdered her family.  You’ve got Kalidor, a lord whose duty was to see the Talisman destroyed.  You’ve got Gedren, who we learn literally next to nothing about except that she’s evil and power-hungry.  Gee, haven’t heard that one before.  There’s a lot going on, but there’s not enough information to really connect the audience with this world.  And at 90 minutes, there isn’t a whole lot of room for the characters to really develop.

The story itself really isn’t the biggest issue this movie’s got.  First of all, let’s talk about the casting.  I’ve yet to see a movie that is so miscast as this one.  The only one that manages to somewhat fit into this world is Arnold Schwarzenegger as Kalidor.  I think he knew he was going to be in a bad movie, so he had fun with it, and you can tell.  Sandahl Bergman, who had her breakout performance in Conan: The Barbarian as Valeria, doesn’t strike me as menacing as Gedren should be.  Gedren is a woman that should be incredibly intimidating, not just from a personality standpoint, but from a physicality level as well.  I just don’t believe Bergman as a sociopathic ruler.  I don’t necessarily think it’s HER fault, entirely.  Now, Ernie Reyes, Jr. as Prince Tarn:  Again, not his fault with what he was given.  His character was written as this spoiled, arrogant little brat that somehow manages to get the most character development in the movie.  That said, even as a youngster, Ernie could handle the physicality, as he’s a martial artist.  The real standout, in the wrong way, is of course, Brigitte Nielson as Sonja.  I get why she was hired.  She was tall and absolutely stunning.  But good god, she could not act.  Her performance was all over the place, and most of it was wooden.  Then it would go over-the-top.  I think she handled the physicality better than Bergman could, but Bergman was clearly the better performer.  Then you have character actors like Ronald Lacey and Pat Roach show up basically to collect a paycheck.

As far as the action goes, it’s pretty bog-standard when it comes to the sword-play.  It’s nothing that no one saw before, and some of the choreography is outright ridiculous.  Granted, Schwarzenegger handles it with ease, and to a certain extent, so does Nielson.  But you could absolutely tell that Sandahl Bergman was NOT comfortable wielding a sword of that size.  She didn’t really have the physical build for a weapon like that.  She would’ve been better off with a smaller sword like in Conan: The Barbarian.  For all the gripes that I have with Ernie Reyes’ performance, he could move, even at such an early age.  He would really come into his own in the 90s as a stuntman and martial arts actor.  It’s just a shame that he never really got the break that I think should have.  Red Sonja was definitely not the best start for his career.  The visual effects were mostly weak, except for the finale, which involved an exploding castle, which was pretty damn cool, as was the monster in the cave.  But some of the miniature work was weak.  We also never got to see the full extent of the Talisman’s power, just from a distance, and meh.  The set designs were pretty good, and the costumes were pretty interesting.  But the late Ennio Morricone’s rousing score was better than what this movie deserved.  The score was epic.

Red Sonja was based off of the Marvel character of the same name from 1973, which was partially inspired by Robert E. Howard’s Conan stories.  I’ve never read the comics, but I’m pretty sure that this movie really didn’t do them justice.  It’s hard to say what went wrong here.  The dialogue is awful, and the direction by Richard Fleischer was painfully inconsistent, which is weird, because I actually enjoyed Conan: The Destroyer, which came out the previous year.  This movie is a mess, but it’s a glorious mess that I honestly enjoy.  It’s not boring and it doesn’t really overstay its welcome at 90 minutes.  Let’s be honest here, I’ve seen much worse than this.  Arnold Schwarzenegger had gone on record saying that this movie was the worst that he’s ever made…and I can’t disagree.  It IS a bad movie, and certainly one of the worst fantasy films of the 80s.  BUT: I can’t bring myself to hate it.  I grew up as a kid watching it and being completely entertained by it.  I feel that this movie falls under the “so bad, it’s good” category.  I would love to see Shout Factory or Vinegar Syndrome pick up the rights to this movie and give us some new interviews about the film and the how’s and why’s of what went wrong.  Obviously, Richard Fleischer wouldn’t be a part of it because he passed away in 2006.  So, yeah, I’m still having fun with this gloriously bad movie from my childhood.

I realize that everybody else out there has done there own ranking systems on YouTube using Letterboxed, but I’m not going to do that, because I’m just too damned lazy.  Again, this is going to be another list, but this time, I’m going to narrow it down to franchise films.  To preface this, I want everyone to understand that with these rankings is that I feel that within certain franchises, there’s not really a bad movie.  There’s clearly ones that are better than others, but not all of them are awful.  I will be getting to those franchises, but for this one, I’ve chosen the Indiana Jones movies to be the first.  I’ve been a huge fan of the movies since I was a kid.  Harrison Ford as the whip-wielding archaeologist is one of his most memorable roles aside from Han Solo.  The movies were inspired the old-school adventure serials of the 20s and 30s.  Combined by stellar directing by Steven Spielberg, solid story-telling by George Lucas and an epic score by the brilliant John Williams, the Indiana Jones films are some of the most fun you’ll ever have at the movies.  For these rankings, I will go from best to worst, so let’s get started.

1. The Last Crusade

When I was thinking up this list, I was debating on putting Raiders of the Lost Ark at number one.  Most people would, it’s the first and the best of the bunch.  If I had made this last before 2018, Raiders absolutely would’ve been at number 1.  When my father passed away, I developed a more personal connection to the film, because the characters of Indy and his father, Henry Jones, Sr.  Let’s just say that I understand the…animosity between the two.  Ultimately, this is the most light-hearted of the bunch, but it’s also the most satisfying, at least for me.  This film also has a bit of an origin story for Indy, starring the late River Phoenix.

2. Raiders of the Lost Ark

Here at number 2 is what many consider to be the best of the bunch, and rightfully so.  This is an old-school adventure flick using old-school stunts, action sequences and effects.  What makes this stand out amongst its peers, even today, is it’s sheer sense of fun.  The introduction of Indiana Jones is one of the coolest moments in any movie, but the side-characters are also outstanding.  Indy’s chemistry with Karen Allen’s Marion Ravenwood is fantastic.  You’ve also got some really nasty villains with the Nazis played to perfection by Paul Freeman and Ronald Lacey.  The desert chase is one of the most iconic action set-pieces in the entire franchise.  If there’s a movie that truly defined the adventure genre, it’s Raiders of the Lost Ark.

3. The Temple of Doom

Temple of Doom is the Indiana Jones movie that I actually grew up watching the most.  This was my first foray into horror as a genre.  Now, technically it’s an action-adventure film, like the rest of the films in the series, but this was the darkest one of the bunch.  Child slavery, human sacrifice, voodoo.  Those aren’t exactly cheery ingredients in your run-of-the-mill adventure film.  This movie was a result of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg going through some tough break-ups and divorces.  Their mood was pretty dark, and the film reflects that.  The bugs still make my skin crawl(pun intended), but it’s the main villain that sends shivers down my spine: Mola Ram, played with menacing perfection by Indian actor Amrish Puri in his only Western-made movie.  Mola Ram’s scary as fuck.  This movie was controversial on a number of levels.  First, there accusation of cultural insensitivity in regards to the Hindu religion and what Indians ate.  The dinner sequence was pretty off-the-wall.  Secondly, this movie was very violent.  It depicted human sacrifice with Mola Ram ripping people’s hearts out and lowering them into lava pits.  It’s brutal.  It’s the reason why the PG-13 rating would be created.  Kate Capshaw’s Willie Scott irritated a lot of people including yours truly, but Ke Huy Quan’s Short Round was awesome in my opinion.  Quan recently received an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in Everything Everywhere All At Once.  THIS is where he got his start.  When it comes to action, this has some of the most memorable action in any movie.  The mine-cart chase and the bridge fight, again, are truly iconic.  But as dark as this movie is tone-wise it still maintains a sense of humor and adventure throughout.

4. Dial of Destiny

The fifth and final entry in the Indiana Jones films to star Harrison Ford is also the first film in the franchise to not be directed by Steven Spielberg.  The wheel has been given to James Mangold, who directed Logan, the 3:10 to Yuma remake, and Cop Land.  For a final adventure, this was pretty decent.  It’s not ground-breaking and doesn’t even come close to the first three, but maybe that was the point.  At 2.5 hours, it’s the longest film in the bunch, but the pacing is surprisingly nimble.  The opening 20 minutes are pure Indiana Jones.  The film sees Indy taking on the Nazis again with Mads Mikkelson playing the main villain.  The film also sees the return of fan-favorite John Rhys-Davies as Sallah.  Phoebe Waller-Bridge plays Indy’s god-daughter…and I’m not a fan.  The actress does a fine job, but the character is incredibly unlikable.  Her side-kick though, is a hoot, and so is Antonio Banderas as Spain’s finest frogman, Renaldo.  This time the MacGuffin is Archimedes’ Antikythera dial.  Essentially, time travel’s involved.  But of course.  Still the movie feels more like an Indiana Jones movie than our final entry into this list.

5. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Crystal Skull’s placement on this list should come as no surprise to anyone.  Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the by far the weakest entry in the series.  Not just from a narrative standpoint, but also character, and visual effects as well.  The biggest issue with this movie that I have is there is no tension or fear of death for our heroes, which was extremely prevalent in the original 3 movies.  A lot of that comes down to the over-use of CGI.  The original 3 movies had to do it through miniatures and practical effects, but Crystal Skull eschews that for CGI.  To be fair, some of that CGI is impressive, but it’s also really obvious.  Because of that, the sense of danger isn’t there.  Not only that, the characters aren’t particularly memorable outside of Indy and Marion.  With all due respect to Cate Blanchett, the villains in this movie are some of the most stock and meme-worthy villains to ever threaten Indiana Jones, and quite frankly, they’re forgettable.  Is it really a bad movie, though?  I don’t think it is.  The idea of using aliens is not far-fetched for the film, because it was set in the 50s.  There was a lot of that stuff going on back then, especially in the cinema.  It’s a fun, inoffensive romp that never overstays its welcome, and it’s got some pretty decent action to boot.  Hell, it’s even got a decent sword-fight in there between Shia Lebouf and Cate Blanchett.  Harrison Ford and Karen Allen just knock it out of the park.

That’s it.  That’s my ranking of the Indiana Jones films.  I expect that we haven’t seen the last of this character in the movies.  Harrison Ford is done with the character, but someone else may end up taking up the whip and fedora in the future.  I don’t know who that’ll be, but they’re going to have some pretty big shoes to fill.  There’s a new game coming out for Xbox and PC called Indiana Jones and the Great Circle that looks like fun, so I’m sure that more adventures are to come.